I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
