I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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