This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
