i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
