Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
All the doctor said was why
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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