i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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