You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
