I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
