She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
