when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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