You're so nebulous sometimes
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
