Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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