I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
