yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
