I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
