Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
