Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The Olympian is in my bed
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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