Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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