Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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