I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
