is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
