I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
