I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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