i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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