This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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