Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
