he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
