Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
