there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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