I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
