idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
