I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
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