that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
home. puking in laundry basket.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We need a shit load of segways right now
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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