My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
