You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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