Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
