Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
