dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
