My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
