I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
