I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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