i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
