when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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