I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
