Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
