she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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