I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
