my phone needs a breathalizer
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
