Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
