yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
