Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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