sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
