I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
