I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
