god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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