bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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