i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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