i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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