i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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