Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
