I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
