Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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