He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
