24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
